{"id":339,"date":"2014-01-20T10:35:58","date_gmt":"2014-01-20T18:35:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/laurarothafel.com\/?p=339"},"modified":"2014-01-16T22:27:32","modified_gmt":"2014-01-17T06:27:32","slug":"no-is-not-a-dirty-word","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.laurarothafel.com\/?p=339","title":{"rendered":"“NO” is Not a Dirty Word"},"content":{"rendered":"

Small children are often told \u201cno\u201d in order to shape their behavior and keep them safe. \u00a0We don\u2019t allow them to wander the street or scream endlessly at the top of their lungs while at the dinner table. \u00a0We tell them \u201cno\u201d and redirect. Then, there comes a point when a child proudly announces with enthusiasm \u201cNO\u201d. \u00a0They begin to assert themselves and stand up for what it is they want. \u00a0For example, it might be \u201cNO. You can\u2019t take my candy!\u201d\u00a0Or maybe they go through a period where everything\u00a0is\u00a0\u201cNO!!!\u201d<\/p>\n

But somewhere in childhood there is a transition that happens and it becomes difficult to say. An advertising campaign was created and a program developed to encourage kids to \u201cJUST SAY NO\u201d to drugs. \u00a0And now a movie has come out called Horrible Bosses (maybe you had one?) where they plan to kill them because of their inability to assert themselves. If we say no, then we should mean no and behave in a way that supports our decision.<\/p>\n

This is a great word with lots of power and it\u2019s even easy to spell. \u00a0But for many of us saying \u201cno\u201d or even being told \u201cno\u201d is uncomfortable. \u00a0As far as I know, it is not a dirty word. \u00a0So why is it so hard to use in our daily life?<\/p>\n

Fear of the Unknown<\/strong><\/h2>\n

A big motivator in shaping our own behavior is fear. \u00a0If afraid, we have a difficult time taking risks. \u00a0Many of us have an aversion to conflict, change, or hurting someone. If we have low self-esteem, or have co-dependant, people pleasing traits, the anticipation of saying \u201cNO\u201d can be like living a nightmare.<\/p>\n

As a therapist for the past 20 years, I have been witness to this painful struggle on multiple occasions. \u00a0It has been important to teach people how to say \u201dNO.\u201d \u00a0In order to make changes in our life, a clear understanding of our internal process is helpful. What is the motivating force that compels us to say \u201cyes\u201d when we want to say \u201dno\u201d? \u00a0Our motivating force can be different depending on who, what, where, and when.<\/p>\n

There are also gender differences. \u00a0Women engage in more \u201cpeople-pleasing\u201d activities while men tend to have a difficult time rejecting the challenge of a task. It makes sense by our very nature since women are nurturers and men are fixers. The end result is still the same…Not being able to say \u201cNO\u201d<\/p>\n

Purpose of NO<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Think of this concept as helping you to set a boundary. \u00a0A boundary based on the clarity of who you are, what you can handle or what you want to do with your time and energy. \u00a0Learning how to say \u201cno\u201d is a way of providing self care. \u00a0Sometimes, saying \u201cno\u201d can even be a way of caring for someone else. For example, no longer doing laundry for your adult children because they need\u00a0to learn how to take care of themselves. Or maybe you care too much and have adult children who continue to live at home with all of the adult freedoms but without the adult responsibilities. They spend their money on drinking and toys while you spend your money\u00a0still keeping a roof over their head. You are left feeling resentful.<\/p>\n

Rejection or Boundary Setting?<\/strong><\/h2>\n

NO is affiliated with rejection as in, \u201cI don\u2019t want to be in a relationship with you.\u201d Or \u201cI don\u2019t like your idea.\u201d<\/p>\n

It is important to explore the meaning behind the refusal. \u00a0\u2018Is it me they don\u2019t like or the idea?\u2019 \u00a0\u2018If they don\u2019t like me, am I okay?\u2019 \u00a0\u2018Do I want to pretend I am something I am not?\u2019 \u2018Should I engage in something that goes against my best interest because I want to be liked and accepted?\u2019<\/p>\n

If we spend our lives\u2019 being what everyone else wants us to be, we are not being authentic individuals, but rather disingenuous chameleons.<\/p>\n

Who are you?<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Are you the guy who walks around with an angry chip on his shoulder because you feel obligated up to your eyebrows and can\u2019t say \u201cNO\u201d? \u00a0Are you the woman who resents having to care for and nurture what feels like the world? \u00a0If you can\u2019t say \u201cno\u201d resentment builds up because the truth is you don\u2019t want the responsibility and are afraid to be honest. \u00a0Your integrity is compromised and the communication becomes impaired because you cannot be true to yourself.<\/p>\n

Tips for saying \u201cNO\u201d<\/h2>\n